Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
