wat bout pragnant strippers??
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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