if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
