I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
