Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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