His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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