By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
