We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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