he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
