Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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