I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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