in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
