this just has baby written all over it
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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