I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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