you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
