based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
