The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
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We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
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This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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