Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
