had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
