I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
