everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
