Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
