woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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