My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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