do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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