I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
