i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
