dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
