im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.