There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
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He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
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I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.