My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
