i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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