i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
