At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I am available for nakedness
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.