Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
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just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
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My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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