nut hugger
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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