Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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