I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Operation Purity has been aborted
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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