I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
