I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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