sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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