Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
