going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
