Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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