Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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