When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
