Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
soo... how was my night?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
