Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
