we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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