she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
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holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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