My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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