even my farts smell like vagina
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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