Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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