i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
