A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
