I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
