We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
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Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
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I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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