all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
